Soon after my last blog I fell into my darkest hole yet when AF arrived. Although it was expected it hit me more than any time before. A day before New Year's Eve and I found myself unable to get out of bed feeling sorry for myself-- tears and all. My poor husband had to go to work and had no idea how to handle me being so low. He called throughout the day pushing me to get excited about a friend's NYE party or trying to get me to go out for lunch with my sister---I just couldn't and when my girlfriends starting calling I eventually stopped answering the phone altogether. I just wanted to be sad....I wanted for once to just be upset that yet again I could not get pregnant. I truly believe everyone needs that one day and after a year of being postive and constantly saying "Next month will be my time" I started to realize that maybe my time is farther away than I ever anticipated.
After a day in bed and a box of tissue I was able to bounce back to myself and look ahead. I am now on my fifth, and final Clomid cycle (after a break in March because my husand was traveling in Europe).
After four cycles of Clomid my monthly cycles were getting longer and longer (one of the terrible side effects of Clomid). After my 3rd cycle of Clomid I was at a 36 day cycle instead of 28. I am relieved to say that after taking a break last month my cycle has returned to 28 days--PHEW!-- but the other side effects are just as strong if not worse. I've had four straight days of insomnia putting me into a complete zombie state--not to mention two major breakdowns (one of which had to do with me dropping my favorite eye shadow to watch it shatter on the bathroom floor! --luckily my husband came in to pick me and my eyeshadow off the ground for a much needed hug) It's insane how touchy this drug as made me. Ask anyone around me --i have lost all patience and can feel the anxiety building over simple tasks--like waiting in traffic or sitting through a story meeting at work. I am grateful that my friends and family (especially my hubby) are so understanding.
So I am on day 12 and really keeping my fingers crossed.
I have my next doctors appointment on May 12--which will hopefully be for an ultrasound OR for our IVF consultation. For all you TTC you are in my thoughts and tons of Baby Dust your way!